When You’re Juggling Faith and Heartache~
It’s become more than apparent,
that what faith appears to be to someone watching
and what faith feels like to someone walking through it,
can seem to be completely different
and yet,
in reality,
be absolutely the same.
In the wee morning of December 8th,2015, my heart stopped.
Getting my world started again, –
no matter how many times the clock ticks,
or how many days go by,
or how many times I flip the page on the calendar over to a new month,
is still an ongoing, don’t-know-how-to-do-it, battle every single moment of every single day.
Only,
it’s become more than obvious,
to some who might be looking in at my life,
that my “impressive faith” (another’s assessment, not mine) has somehow
presented me with a mess-free, struggle-free, “neat and pretty” journey through this valley of deep sorrow and grief.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
One after one, I receive them.
Emails from people who are hurting.
Words of heartache are penned, and with a hit of a button, sent to my inbox.
And while receiving these emails blesses my heart no end,
I am starting to realize that
those who are hurting,
those who are struggling,
those who are on the other side of the screen
reading the words I pen here,
are somehow comparing their walk with mine,
and feeling as though they are coming up short.
“I wish I had a faith like yours.”
“I admire how you are allowing your faith to shine the way for others. I feel as though I am failing as a Christian.”
“You’re so strong, even in the midst of heartache. Me, I have been struggling with anger and depression.”
On and on,
real people,
caught in the grips of real pain,
are reaching out to me with real words,
about the very real struggle of juggling faith and heartache.
They see what my faith appears to look like,
yet, know how their faith (or their supposed lack of faith) actually feels,
and they wonder
what they are doing wrong.
And, they never to stop to realize
that faith is faith,
and hurting is hurting,
and it is possible to feel both at the exact same time.
I know this to be true because
I am right there in the trenches, too.
I am right there wiping tears that refuse to stop falling, too.
I am right there fighting to get up in the morning, wanting only to cover my head with the blankets and pretend this will all one day go away, too.
I get it.
I feel it.
I know it.
I live it.
Faith doesn’t make it easy. Faith makes it possible.
Yes, God has blessed me with a strong measure of faith.
His faithfulness to me in days past is the foundation on which I now stand.
I know that I know that I know my God loves me.
But,
behind closed doors,
and more times than not,
right out in the wide open spaces where everyone sees,
(whether I like it or not!)
I am a mess.
I come undone.
I fight to hold on.
Hurting is hurting,
grief is grief,
heartache is heartache,
sorrow is sorrow,
no matter how much faith a person may have.
The struggle is real,
this balancing faith and heartache.
And I hope
through the words written here
to somehow make it so apparent,
that what faith appears to be to someone watching
and what faith feels like to someone walking through it,
can seem to be completely different
and yet,
in reality,
be absolutely the same.
Keep walking your walk.
Keep fighting your fight.
Keep trusting your God.
And, keep remembering this:
Faith doesn’t make it easy. Faith makes it possible.
Keep on keeping your faith,
in the midst of,
in spite of,
in the “overwhelmingness” of,
your heartache, –
no matter how messy,
no matter how undone,
no matter how raw
it may look or feel.
This is where we find our victory.
This is where our faith carries us through.
NOTE: This is from Heartprints of God, I changed the date(my Chris died) but the words and feelings speak so loudly for me.